just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
