well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
