M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
