Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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