respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
