Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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