I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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