His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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