you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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