I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You made out with two different species that night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
