I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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