I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
