You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
