well most of my day revolves around power hour
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
