i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
