If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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