Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
