Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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