Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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