The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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