I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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