he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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