My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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