How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
