Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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