My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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