Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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