you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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