Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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