Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
