I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
