he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I need moral support for this bender
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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