evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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