I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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