she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
