He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
