Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
