Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
