I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
