I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I fill condoms, not promises.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
