Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
