Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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