soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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