I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
