The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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