i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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