I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
