Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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