Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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