____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
