i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
